Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.
Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass.
Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalog.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.
Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.
Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.
Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
10:33 AM
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
9:27 AM
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
why do giraffes have long feet?
because there feet smell so bad
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
10:14 AM
doctor doctor, what can i do about my B.O its so bad, even i cant stand it
why not trying a cloth peg on your nose like the rest of us
Bush, babban, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia are traveling in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything. Sonia is thinking: These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him. Aishwarya Rai is thinking:Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped. Bush is thinking: Damn it. babban must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me. babban is thinking: If this train goes through another tunnel, I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again!!!
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
11:13 AM
Sonia is thinking: These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
Aishwarya is thinking: Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.
Bush is thinking: Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
Manmohan is thinking: If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again.
Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?
Wife: Well, I suppose so.
Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?
Wife: I guess we would.
Husband: Would you make love to him?
Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.
Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?
Wife: No He"s left handed.
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
11:43 AM
Patient: I"m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You"ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I"ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That"s terrible! What"s the good news?
Doctor: There"s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
11:00 AM
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims, "Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now ?"
A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age ?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won !
He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened ? Is she all right ?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted !"
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"
__._,_.___
i am not the best,
and i am not like the rest.
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
11:40 AM
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yell, "What kind of -ese are you? Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc......"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of ' -key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled,
"What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I ?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?"
Lesson :
Never insult anyone.
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
11:38 AM
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.
13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."
11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.
10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."
9) Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.
6) You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.
5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.
3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com
2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov"
1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
10:53 AM
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview.
Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'
When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout: You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?'
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'
Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
