There was this guy who fell from an airplane and landed in a strange place. He was badly hurt and a couple of monks came and rescued him. And the Monks told the man to be careful because they were not going to save him again. The guy said okay then spent the night at the Monk's place. Later that night he heard an annoying loud banging and scratching sound that almost sounding like moaning. It was really loud. The next day he went back to the Monk's place and asked if they knew what the sound was. The Monk's Leader told the guy that he would have to be a monk to find out. The guy asked what it would take to be a monk. So the Monks told him that he would have to be there for eight years and pass a test.
So this guy stayed for eight years and finally passed the text. The guy asked again what that noise was he heard for so many years ago. The Monks agreed to tell him and told him to follow them. The guy was really happy because he lost a lot of sleep over that sound. He could sleep for years thinking about that noise that sounding almost like a heart beating. The Monks walked up to some big, huge doors and the noise kept getting louder and louder. So, loud that the Monks and the Guy couldn't hear each other. Do you want to know what was behind the doors?
I can't tell you! You're not a Monk!
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Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
6:42 AM
There where 2 men in a building site.
1 of them said "can you help me find my ear"
The other man said "is this it"
The other man said "no, mine has got a pencil behind it"
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk
from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the
saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to
buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.
The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay
you twenty dollars for that cat.” And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat. The
collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old
saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.” And the owner
says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight
cats.”
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
7:56 AM
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
7:47 AM
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
2:07 AM
Q> What do Governor Sarah Plain and Her future son in law have in common?
A> They both like to drill!
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
7:32 AM
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
8:04 AM
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
8:12 AM
In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup... gonna be a bear.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
7:34 AM
Tech Support:”What’s the problem?”
Customer:”There is smoke coming out of the power supply.”
Tech Support:”You’ll need a new power supply.”
Customer:”No I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.”
Tech Support:”Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.”
Customer:”No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.”
10 minutes later, the Customer is still adamant that they are right. The Tech Support is frustrated and fed up.
Tech Support:”Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.”
Customer:”I knew it!”
Tech Support:”Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.”
10 minutes later.
Customer:”It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.”
Tech Support:”Well, what version of DOS are you using?”
Customer:”MS-DOS 6.22″
Tech Support:”That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.”
1 hour later.
Customer:”I need a new power supply.”
Tech Support:”How did you come to that conclusion?”
Customer:”Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.”
Tech Support:”Then what did he say?”
Customer:”He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.”
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Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
7:34 AM
Tech Support:”What’s the problem?”
Customer:”There is smoke coming out of the power supply.”
Tech Support:”You’ll need a new power supply.”
Customer:”No I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.”
Tech Support:”Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.”
Customer:”No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.”
10 minutes later, the Customer is still adamant that they are right. The Tech Support is frustrated and fed up.
Tech Support:”Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.”
Customer:”I knew it!”
Tech Support:”Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.”
10 minutes later.
Customer:”It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.”
Tech Support:”Well, what version of DOS are you using?”
Customer:”MS-DOS 6.22″
Tech Support:”That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.”
1 hour later.
Customer:”I need a new power supply.”
Tech Support:”How did you come to that conclusion?”
Customer:”Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.”
Tech Support:”Then what did he say?”
Customer:”He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.”
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A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55
mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at
him and says, “Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years,
but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60
mph.
She then says, “I dont want you to try to talk
Posted by
Lucent Infotech Web Development Company
9:40 AM
Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?” The mother responded, “Honey, women dont talk about their age. Youll learn this as you get older.
Little Johnny then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weight?” Her mother responded again, “Thats another
